when is enuf ENUF? that's what i've been wondering lately. i can't seem to get it straight in my head just exactly when it's healthier to quit and when it's better to hold on just for a lilbitmo. i didn't know it in lala when i "studied" cs for 3 years before finally realizing i wasn't gonna graduate. i didn't know it when don and i were "waiting" for much too long. i didn't know it at my last job when a coworker decided she didn't like me and wanted to make my life hell on earth. i didn't know it when i was living with my parents in a notso healthy environment for a girl of "16" to be as independent as her parents rasied her. mind you, i was actually 23. looking back, everything is 20.20 in hindsight. now i just hope i don't repeat the same mistakes. can i have 20.20 in the future too?
and the other thing is, are there levels of quitting? how far do you go to make yourself safe in a harmful situation? is it running away? or just being safe. is there such a thing as too safe? is it possible to even be safe? or just safe-er. varying degrees of safeness? so many questions, but no answers in 20.20 sight. fortunately i don't feel as i did in lala-like i was in a perpetual fog of some kind.
anyway, it's good to have theme songs. here's mine for the moment:
this love has taken its toll on me
she said goodbye too many times before
her/my heart is breaking in front of me
and i have no choice cuz i won't say goodbye anymore
maroon5, "this love"
this song is so fun and poppy, but it makes a good point. people make their choices. sometimes you have to make your choices based on someone else's choices. sometimes that someone else leaves you with no good choices left. <gracie!>
i've had 2 suggestions for taking up boxing already. i think i should take it seriously! all this planning for the wedding is really crazy. i feel my stomach clench and my heart pierce with physical pain. strangely very much like heartache.
i know most people really look forward to the wedding day. it's marriage that everyone gets hushhush about. my coworkers, for my sake, won't offer their 2cents on their horrifying marriages. but it's exactly the wedding day that i'm *dreading*. esp the whole walking down the ailse part. all those people *staring*?! i've hated that since i was 10. so i better not catch any of you looking at me when i'm walking! haha, i'm such a paranoid freak.
on the other hand, being married to don is what truly excites me. starting our own family (of 2! at least for the next 20 years), making our own decisions, finally being *free* to do what we've dreamed and envisioned. it's my light at the end of the tunnel. four years of waiting and conquering challenges.
these last few months of longdistance-relationshipping, planning the bugger of a wedding, making difficult decisions, paying for said wedding...just more challenges to conquer. i will relish the day when it's over. but in the meantime...perhaps boxing will become my middle name. :)
ps. "married life is *FUN*!" - the lius, special guests last weekend, not to mention emichemi and angiebabe! :) <gracie!>
<12:09 PM> things that make me cry: (other than my parents and the state of the world today) GREEN onions! when did this happen? has something happened to the genetic makeup of the green onions in cali to make them so potent? or is that a reflection of how often i cook? :P <gracie!>